Disappointment in Couples

Disappointment is a feature of relationships. Everyone will experience this either consistently or periodically. You may not be aware that this is what you are experiencing.

Disappointment implies that one had hope for something good, satisfying or loving, and that the hope was unrealized. Maybe you wanted your partner to go with you to your friend’s birthday party. Or make a thoughtful gesture towards you, or make your birthday feel special, or load the dishwasher without you having to ask. When this happen, you might be aware of your disappointment, or the disappointment in itself can be intolerable.

Underneath the disappointment is an unmet desire, and desire can feel dangerous because it means you want something from the other person. To want can be frightening because there is a risk of not getting it. You can feel dependent on the other person to meet your desire. This can bring up feelings of shame for wanting the thing in the first place. Which is why connecting to and naming disappointment can feel so painful and difficult to do in couples. The hope and unmet desire becomes shame.

Often, shame and disappointment is defended from. This can look like blaming, whining, pouting, getting angry or becoming sullen and withdrawn. It can be very difficult to tell your partner, “I’m disappointed with you.” Most people don’t want to disappoint their partner, either. It’s challenging to hear this, hold it and acknowledge it. Accepting that disappointment is an ordinary part of relationships can offer some relief.

How do we work with disappointment in couple therapy?

·       We try to identify and name it. I can be difficult as it is often covered over by anger, blaming or withdrawal. Locating it is part of the work of therapy.

·       We explore the impact on both partners.

·       We accept that disappointment is an inevitable part of relationships.

Accepting that disappointment can occur is crushing on some people. You may have a series of deep ongoing disappointments from childhood or previous relationships and you are exerting great effort to try and prevent it. We bring those past hurts to our next relationship and have a wish that we won’t feel that again. The goal is not to try and prevent it, but work with it as it comes – locate it, communicate it, and acknowledge it.