What if only one person wants therapy? Couples therapy edition
You’ve brought it up gently and in moments of tenderness. Then more directly. Perhaps out of desperation or frustration. Later during a fight, or in a moment of real hurt. “We need to go to therapy together” and the response you get
“It’s fine, we’re just tired” “No we’re ok” “It’s not that big of a deal” Or worse- not much of a response at all.
If you’re here, you’re likely the one who wants something to shift and wondering they feel like things aren’t working as well... And you’re facing one of the most quietly painful dynamics in relationships: you’re ready to work on it, and they’re not.
Let’s talk about what that actually means—and what it doesn’t.
First: this is more common than you think and very workable
This is very typical for couples therapy. Look at pretty much any Reddit or Quora relationship thread and you’ll see this conundrum all over the place. One person feels dragged in and rarely do couples come in sync with each other. It’s common for one person to feel eager and energized and the other to feel shamed, vulnerable, and overwhelmed.
That mismatch doesn’t automatically mean your relationship has hit a dead end or even that couples therapy can’t work. It does mean you’re in different mindsets and likely have different protective stances for the safety of the relationship. It doesn’t necessarily even mean that one person is more in than the other. It could mean that therapy has already been weaponized in your fight cycle. This is all normal and workable in couples work. We can ask what do you want to shift to the person more reluctant to enter the treatment and set goals for them as well. Frankly, being in a healthy, creative partnership is hard work and takes a high level of empathy and communication skills.
Why your partner might be hesitant.
It’s easy to interpret hesitation or outright no as not caring or apathy. But more often than not, it’s an attempt to keep the equilibrium, or not rock the boat.
Your partner might be thinking:
“I will be blamed and ganged up on”
“They/she/he is better at this talking through stuff thing than me”
“If we need couples therapy we’re already failing”
“It won’t really help, we’ll just feel worse”
These fears are incredibly common—especially the fear of being exposed, called out, or scrutinized.
All to say this anxiety is not avoidance and unfortunately anxiety doesn’t respond well to pressure.
The hard truth: at some point couples therapy (eventually) needs two people invested. Your reasons to be there may differ and that’s just fine.
Here’s the part that people don’t say clearly enough:
Classic couples therapy works best when both people are at least somewhat willing to examine themselves and the relationship. That being said, often it’s the job of the therapist to help the more reserved or concerned party feel that their take will be honored, understood, and supported.
Therapy can start where you are, if you can say let’s just try it out for one session or maybe you can speak to our couples therapist about your concerns that will typically help.
There are still ways forward
Even if your partner won’t go (yet), you are not stuck. Beginning the discussion is helpful and naming that clearly what’s going on right now isn’t working for the whole partnership
Here are a few paths that often help:
1. Start in individual (We swear this is not giving up)
Individual therapy can be surprisingly powerful for relationship change, especially as we keep an eye on overextension and building resentment.
Often individual therapy is specifically working towards better relationship help—noticing communication partners, shifting roles and responsibility, setting new boundaries, or learning about your conflict style.
It also gives you something you don’t have right now: support that isn’t dependent on your partner showing up. That being said, grief may be part of your individual work. Studies are showing that even one person getting treatment can really help the health of a relationship.
2. Change how you invite them in and focus on curiosity around their position
If therapy has started to sound like a verdict (“we have problems” or “you’ve got to change”), it’s likely to land as criticism. An ultimatum doesn’t lead to openness and new creative moves. Shame only shuts down change and the blame game never really works long term.
Instead, try:
“I miss feeling close to you. I want more with us”
“I am clearly not getting something important to you and I want to do better for us”
“I want us to feel better, not prove anything or win any arguments”
“Would you be open to just one session to see what it’s like? You can even chose the person”
“We wouldn’t be fighting so much if this didn’t matter so much to us both”
Framing therapy as connection, not correction, matters more than you think. This can be hard when we’re feeling defensive and hurt, but relationships worth fighting for as us to step out of our shoes and into a less defensive stance.
3. Consider a different starting point: discernment work
If one of you is unsure about the relationship itself—not just the problems within it—there’s a specific approach designed for exactly this situation.
It’s often called discernment counseling: a short-term process focused not on fixing the relationship, but on deciding whether to try. This helps give both parties a chance to reflect on the state of the relationship
In other words, before doing couples therapy, you figure out if you’re both willing to try to start a new couples chapter together.
4. Respect the “no” (while still taking yourself seriously)
This is the most emotionally complex piece.
You cannot force someone into therapy. You’re persuasive but likely not that powerful! Compliance and resentment are not the goals of treatment.
But respecting their “no” doesn’t mean abandoning yourself or losing hope.
It might sound like:
“I hear that you don’t want therapy. I do. I’m going to start on my own.”
“This relationship matters to me, and I want support around it no matter what”
Speaking clearly about hopes and future wants is much more palatable than this hasn’t been working.
What this situation is really asking of you
When only one person wants therapy, the work becomes less about fixing the relationship together and more about:
Tolerating uncertainty
Experiencing the disconnect
Getting clear on your own needs/priorities
Deciding what you can and can’t live with
Inviting your partner not dragging them in
And sometimes, over time, something shifts. The resistant partner softens. Curiosity replaces defensiveness. They come in.
And sometimes, they don’t.
But either way, you are no longer stuck in the same place and new options are opening.
A final thought
Wanting therapy doesn’t make you “too much,” “too intense,” or “too needy.” It doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed or that your attachment style is too much to overcome.
It usually means you’re paying attention and trying to honor your experience.
And if you’re the only one paying attention right now, that’s painful—but it’s also a kind of leadership in the relationship.
The question isn’t just:
How do I get them to come?
It’s also – What am I contributing to our stuckness? How do I want my life, my relationships, to feel like now?
