Sexlessness in Couples

One issue that brings couples to therapy is lack of sex in their relationship. Sexlessness can come on from a few different paths.

·       Some couples begin their relationship with much sexual contact and excitement, and this can die down over time

·       Some couples have a slower timeline, have sex less frequently then hardly at all

·       Some couples feel like they are best friends, have a great time together, yet their sexual relationship seemed to have troubles from the beginning

There are other combinations as well, though these are the most common patterns that we tend to see. Some couples present this as their main issue to pursue couples therapy or a sex therapy focused couples therapy, while other couples share this as one of their issues but not their primary issue. Although couples may feel that other issues are more central for them, sometimes the lack of sex in a couple is what alerts the couple to having a problem.

No amount of sex is the “right” amount. The appropriate amount of sex is based on what the couple decides is satisfying for them as a couple. This may include partnered sex or solo sex. Often, a couple has a hard time agreeing what would be a satisfying amount for both of them, and this is part of the work of couple’s therapy: acknowledging, understanding and accepting their differences and coming up with a solution that satisfies both people.

There are many ways we can work with this issue of sexlessness in couple’s therapy. One approach is to work on a sexual menu. A sexual menu is an activity which each person in the couple completes on their own in between sessions and brings back to the couple therapy session to discuss all together. The sexual menu does not have to be activities which are obviously or overtly sexual. This can include watching a movie together, or holding hands, whatever a person may feel is a way to connect. Of course, it may also include various sexual activities that a partner is interested in. This can include incorporating sex toys. Couples find that they can have better sex with Lelo's toys for couples. Sex toys can bring novelty and new ways to experience pleasure together, allowing a couple to get creative.

After completing the sexual menus independently, the couple brings them to the next couple’s therapy session to discuss with one another in the presence and safety of the couple therapist. The idea is to approach each person’s wishes and fantasies without judgment. Bringing sex back into a relationship can feel daunting and intimidating. Couples therapy can help a couple move into a new phase of a more gratifying sexual connection.